Fears

Today has been a struggle for me.  Elizabeth has a spirited feisty darn hot temper....and (a hem), I have no idea where it could have possibly come from.  We have been working with her on some "anger issues" (which are definitely NOT from my side!!!) ( I am sitting here with my tongue in cheek.)  I'm struggling with trying to get her to grow up, when deep down I want both my kids to stay little forever.  I'm afraid of them getting older....I mean I am just now feeling like I am getting this Mom thing down....it only took 6 and a half years, and then they go ahead and change on me!!!!!  They just keep on getting bigger!!  How dare they!!!!  When do I get to sit back and relax and look at them and say, "Wow!  I did a great job!  I've got this thing down!" I fear change....I really really really don't like it.  I'd rather watch paint dry or ride an okada down Ozumba Mbadiwe (wait...I would really like to do that!!) or pick up the endless piles of crumbs from under my son's seat after I've told him 1, 437,204 times to chew with his mouth closed and eat over his plate. After all, what will his girlfriends think of him...I'll have to look at them and sigh and say, "I tried, I really really tried!"  Anyway, we are getting off the point, but I think you understand what I mean.  When does life just stop and not change???  The answer is ...well....NEVER!!!  And all this change makes me retreat into a very scary place called my brain.  I am a second guessing, worrying, always wondering but never wanting other people to know kind of girl.  Oh, and I also HATE, HATE HATE to be wrong!  Just ask my husband.....some fights have gone on for days just so I could show him ( even when I knew the point I was arguing was completely wrong....I just didn't want to lose.)   I know, I sound like a "perfect" wife.  But, please keep all the compliments to yourselves....I don't know if I would be able to handle all of the adoration!.:) ( ha ha!)  So, I guess I just proved who my daughter really does take after in this family!

After change, my next biggest fear is of "letting go".  Letting go of what I think I should be instead of looking at what I really am and accepting it.  Letting go of whatever control I think I have living in Lagos...because once you finally realize that there isn't too much control you have over a lot of things here...you'll be a lot happier and surprisingly you'll have all that "fretting time" freed up to drink more wine!!!:)  Who knew!  Letting go of worrying about what other people will think of me.  That's a HUGE one for me....I have been a life long card carrying member of the " I hope everyone will like me club" and though sometimes I "fall off the wagon", for the most part, I have started to let that go.  And I guess that goes right along with letting go of trying to be the "super mom".  What will people think of me if I'm not that mom who tries to do everything right? What if I do put yesterday's Goldfish crackers in today's lunch because they are just too precious to throw out??  What if I don't give my kids a bath one night and count them going in the pool as "bath time"?  I was always waiting for that huge alarm to sound.  The one that will go off with the sound of a 1940's European police car siren and someone will be announcing over a loud speaker to the entire world that I am a  bad mother.  Or maybe that was just what I thought would happen in my head.  (Did I just write that for everyone to see?)

It turns out that NOTHING happens.  All those times I was worried about what other moms and people would think of me as a mom actually was just about me.  It turns out that I'm actually not the center of other people's universes, and being a mom isn't about what other people think of me...it's about how I feel as a mom and what my own "little people" think of me.  And, the best thing is that it turns out that these "little people" have very short memories.  Just after Jeremy told me "This is the worst day EVER!!!" because I forgot to charge his DS (Heaven Forbid!...never mind the time I had to get off an airplane and be escorted back to the gate area because he left his charger under a seat!!!!).  He came back over to me five minutes later and said, "I love you, mama.  Can I give you a butterfly kiss?"  And today when Elizabeth screamed at me "No, I can't go back down that hall, my feet hurt, I just walked down the hall already!!!!" when I told her she needed to go back and brush her teeth.  About thirty minutes later, she  made me this and handed it to me....

So, I decided that if my kids can let things go, then I can too.  I want to "be in the moment" with my kids and use all that time I spend worrying about what other people are thinking to enjoy all the moments I can with my kids.  I mean, I waited so long to be a mom, why am I going to waste so much of the time I have with them worrying about something that doesn't even really matter ??? If my kids are happy and healthy and well- adjusted, then I must be doing my job.:) I can't change the fact that they will change and get older, but I can let go of some of the worry I have.  Maybe I can handle change in small doses...very small doses...extremely small doses...OK OK...microscopic doses.:)